How to Have *THE CONVERSATION* With Your Teens

Article by: Stephen Jones

Discipleship Ministries Director

Cornerstone Conference IPHC

Think back. 

Did your parents have “the talk” with you? 

How old were you when it happened? 

Where were you when it happened? 

What did you think about it then? 

What do you think about it now? 

There are lots of parents who dread the thought of having to teach their children about sex. Maybe it’s because their parents didn’t do a great job or they’re unsure about what kinds of questions their children will ask, or maybe parents just don’t feel resourced enough to know how to have the talk—so the talk doesn’t happen, or it’s rushed and one-sided or the teen just stares back blankly..  and their children learn on their own from television and media and friends and school.  

Is that your experience? 

It’s unfortunately all too common. 

Maybe you’re like me. I want to set the narrative with my family about God’s great design for our lives and for our sexuality. I’m not content with the broken definition the world gives, nor am I satisfied with the cheap version of love it offers. I want my family to “know His love that surpasses knowledge,” to live the abundant life that comes from following Jesus, and discover the wonderful gift of sex in a fulfilling marriage relationship.  

If that’s you,  

If you want to lead the way and set the tone in your own home about God’s great gift—  but you’re also dreading the conversation, here are some keys to getting started. 

Start with Prayer. Teaching our children what Scripture says about God’s design for us, for them, and for their future spouse is our responsibility as parents, and leading our children and teens towards a healthy sexuality is part of discipleship. For that reason, we need the wisdom, guidance, and supernatural preparation of the Holy Spirit to not only remind us of what Jesus said but also give us boldness and gentleness to speak the truth in love. Pray for wisdom, for the right timing, and position yourself for the right moment, because.. 

Consider Your Timing. Timing is everything. Be strategic. Pay attention to the moments when you have drive-time with your kids, meal times, or times when they’re talking about their friends or what’s happening at school. Praying over these conversations before they happen prompts our minds and hearts to listen more carefully, and if we’re poised and ready, then we can nudge a talkative teenager towards the topic.  

If your teen isn’t particularly talkative, or maybe your communication with them hasn’t been all you want it to be, you may have to lay some communicative groundwork in preparation for the conversations you want to have. Here are some ideas about building those bridges:  

• Raise questions about topics that interest them—and then really listen. Begin with words like “What,” “When,” “Where,” or “How,” steer clear of “Why” questions when you can, and avoid questions that allow a simple “yes” or “no.” Ask thoughtful questions about that video game, or that sport, or that hobby that consumes them and as much as possible, put the pause on your opinion. Show them you’re ready to listen on their terms.  

• Invite them to go deeper. Once they’ve started talking, especially about something that interests them, when they reach a stop, say something like, “Tell me more…” Invite them to share more details or describe their feelings or what they expected to happen, and then listen a little more. There are lots of directions the conversation could turn!  

• Use reflective listening skills. When they share their thoughts or responses, reflect what they said back to them with “it sounds like…” and then repeat what they said in your own words. Ask if that’s what they meant. It’s a way of letting them know you heard them and you’re thinking about what they said.  

• Remember the previous conversation. We show we’re really listening when we can connect a previous conversation with the current discussion. This also communicates safety and generates trust.  

Prepare Your Approach. Once you’ve covered the need in prayer and you’ve built the bridge of communication, then be prepared with questions or prompts to steer the discussion towards the topic. Every context and conversation is different, but maybe these questions will help you formulate your own when you see the opportunity. 

• As it relates to dating:  

  • Do you think your friends have healthy BF/GF relationships?  

  • What makes a healthy BF/GF relationship?  

  • What does God think about relationships?  

  • What are some stories you’ve heard in Scripture that talk about relationships?  

  • What kinds of expectations do you think God has for us in relationships? 

• As it relates to body image and self-esteem:  

  • When do you feel the most comfortable with yourself?  

  • Who makes you feel accepted and a sense of belonging?  

  • What about those people and places makes you feel that way? 

• As it relates to sex and sexuality:  

  • Do your friends talk much about love or sex or dating?  

  • How do they see it? What kinds of things do they say?  

  • Do you ever disagree with them? Where do you agree or disagree? 

• As it relates to homosexuality:  

  • Would you say your friends are really chill about being gay or lesbian or trans?  

  • Who are the people you know that claim to be gay? What are they like? How do others treat them? 

• As it relates to pornography:  

  • What’s the difference between good pictures and bad pictures? How can you tell? 

  • Has anyone ever tried to show your or send you bad pictures? Have you ever sent pictures that make you feel guilty now? 

  • What can we do to avoid images that don’t honor Christ? 

Point to the Truth. Scripture is our best and greatest resource. It holds the Words of Life! God has given us all we need for life and godliness in His Son, and the Word details how we can live life to the fullest with Him. But even if you’re not a Bible scholar, don’t lose heart! Take the opportunity to encourage your student to read Scripture with you to discover who God is and how He designed our relationships. There are lots of resources available to help you know the truth and apply it to your life. Here’s a great website from IPHC leaders to get you started. Also, don’t forget to check out axis.org and homeword.org—they have lots of great resources, too! 

Play the Long Game. Adolescence is a topsy-turvy season filled with lots of challenges—physical, emotional, and social. One conversation might be enough to explain all the biological details, but it may not be enough to deal with every situation they encounter. Keep the conversation open! Keep asking thoughtful questions and look for ways to keep coming back to truth. It may mean we listen thoughtfully and ask a few questions, make a statement or two, and then move on—knowing we’re already thinking about the next time we’re together and how to continue to build on that foundation.  

Pay attention to the movies you’re watching and the songs that come on the radio—even news stories and life events happening around your family. Note when there are relational or sexual themes and use those moments to ask questions like,  

“How would you have responded if you were in that situation,” or  

“What was their biggest mistake in that moment,” or  

“What’d they get right in that scene?”  

Those little prompts may only last a few sentences, but they’ll build bridges into future conversations if you’re intentional. Learning something so important takes time and I’d rather have one hundred 1-minute conversations about God’s design for their life than one 100-minute conversation. 

Teaching our children to love Jesus and to follow Him is a lifelong journey and we’re always going to be in a battle with the influence of the world. Take courage! God has already gone before us and His Spirit lives in us, teaching us and leading us into all truth. Lean on Him and don’t shrink back—He will give you courage and the words to speak if you’ll ask.